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About Varied / Student Carol LundqvistFemale/Sweden Recent Activity
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CARDIGAN PROJECT 4 :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 1 1 CARDIGAN PROJECT 3 :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 0 0 CARDIGAN PROJECT 2 :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 0 0 CARDIGAN PROJECT START :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 0 0 Fake fure scarf :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 0 0 Blue baby bear hat with ear flaps and tassles. :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 1 2 Persehecate :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 1 2 Cosmic Seduction :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 1 3 Start of my Samhain painting :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 0 1 Alice in Wonderland Ruffle Scarf :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 1 1 Ocean Bohemian ruffle scarf. :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 1 0 Enchanted Tulip :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 0 3 Moonlight Sonata :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 0 2 My Alice Cooper Easter Bunny :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 1 0 Easter Bunny under construction :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 2 0 Easter Bunny complete side view no accents :iconbendydivine:BendyDivine 1 0

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Journal History

Activity


Warning: harsh language, graphic descriptions.


It all started in March 2013; I went to my general practioner to write out a referral to the Fertility Clinic in Huddinge, Sweden. In May I was sent to a Ob/Gyn specialist in high risk pregnancies. She asked intrusive questions and send she would send me to another Ob/Gyn specialist to make sure I would be able to handle the pregnancy and the In-Vitro Fertilization Process.

In November 2013 this militan bitch said "You don't have type 4 so there is nothing stopping you, you have have 6 miscarriages, I see no reason why you can't get pregnant on your own". When had been trying at that point for 10 years with miscarriage after miscarriage and that was her response. What a bitch. She orders every test you can think of under the sun and sends me further to the Fertility Clinic in Huddinge; 70 km one way (50 ish American miles) where we meet another doctor with more intrusive questions.

Reminding you every doctor we talk to we have to spend 10-30 minutes about my Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, POTS, etc. She asks about our drinking habits, nicotine habits, sexual practices, have we ever been in jail, ever question under the sun. Then comes the gynocological tests; it felt like she beat me up with the ultra sound wand and left me for dead. She had both Magnus and I do all the tests in the world: blood tests, urine tests, poo tests, a silver plated vile of virgin unicorn tears type thing. At the end of this visit we are told we see no problems in helping you. We thought "perfect, we want to start in May". In the end of March I get a call requarding that my MMR (Measles, Mumps, and Rubella) vaccination is no longer effective so I must have that done before they do the procedure. I told the mid-wife we want to do the IVF in May; her response is "You have to have the vaccine done a month,at least, before we do the procedure. You better run into Stockholm and get it done".

!. I am part time in a wheelchair, I dont run for anything.

2. To get to Stockholm, the heart of Stockholm would mean to get on the bus to Märsta train station (30 minutes), buying a ticket, getting on the train, needing to change trains half way to Stockholm due to road construction, then take the subway at two different stations just to get the shot and then that to get back home. NO!

I call them back and say  I will do it in September since they were going on their vacation and noone would be there from the end of June to the mid of August.

Mid August I call the IVF clinic to remind them I will be starting the Estrogen shots in the beginning of September and would the please have a doctor write out my prescriptions. I hear on the other side of the phone "You finally got your MMR vaccine then". What a cunt. The first pissy conversation of many I would have with the mid-wives at the IVF clinic.

I roll down to my local pharmacy to make sure they have the meds and; they dont. So I order them. Thank goodness I didnt wait until the day I was suppose to start.

August 31 my period starts and I am so excited, meaning Monday evening I can start my Gonal-F shots. I took Gonal-F for 7 days before needing to add Reglugan to my nightly shots. The 8th of September was my first appointment with the doctor to see how my egg development was going. This doctor didnt care, he had me in tears, screaming, crying,jumping off the table due to the pain he inflicted on me  and threatening to kick him in the head and to shove my walking stick up his pee hole because even though it was his thousandth time it was my first time. When we first talked to the doctor in February I was told I would have one doctor: my thoughts were if this is my doctor fuck it I am not doing it. I left there cramping, bleeding, screaming, and in pure agony. We were scheduled to come in on Wednesday to check again since my eggs were not growing like they expected. I told Magnus I am not going through this agony again and after talking to Magnus and a mid-wife at the clinic they talked me into continuing. The argument was if I wanted to try again in six months I would have to go through this again.

We get there Wednesday and the eggs are not growing like they expected so they upped the dosage of Gonal-F again and rescheduled another appointement for Friday. Friday came and they were not growing at the rate they expected so they upped the dosage again and scheduled the egg extraction for the next Tuesday and I were to take the Ortiville (to stimulate ovulation) Sunday night at 8pm sharp and we were to be at the clinic for the egg extraction at 8 am. If I take the Ortiville I can not turn back I have to go through it no matter what.  I remind you 70 km (50 miles one way) and through the capital Stockholm, we had to wake up at 5 am to get there in time and give enough time for morning rush hour traffic.

I had talked to the doctors and mid-wives about what would happen when they do the egg extraction. I would get a slight muscle relaxer and an NSAID. I had strongly told them the week before and when we arrived I take Citadon (an opiate) and a strong muscle relaxer every day and was reassured I would be able to talk to the doctor before the procedure. I got to talk to the doctor 5 minutes before he was going to stick a needle through my uterus and then my ovaries. "But dont worry, we give you numbing salve on the inside of your uterus before we start". LOCAL NUMBING AGENTS DONT WORK ON ME!

I had to explain to this doctor as well as he is inserting the ultrasound wand into my vagina that I have EDS, etc and I was promised I would get more than just NSAIDs and a mild muscle relaxer. He said "I am gentle you will barely know I am in there". I felt EVERYTHING! I screamed, cried, jumped from pain; where I was told not to more that I needed to be still. After he took out the second egg, I said I need to sit up. He tells me "You have to make a decision, we can take the thrid egg or leave it". At this time I was bleeding everywhere, cramping so bad I was dry heaving, screaming and crying and threatening to shove that fucking needle into his ball sack his he ever comes near me again.

I go out to the ward where they leave me there without any relief screaming, crying, and cramping so much all I could do was lay there in a ball forcing Magnus to stroke my hair. After an hour and a half we leave, still cramping, dry heaving, crying, screaming with every step I have to take. ( I didnt take my wheelchair since it takes two to put it into the car). Then there is the 70 km drive home. I bleed, severely cramped and dry heaved for 26 hours.

That friday we find out the two eggs they took out had divided! YES IT WORKED! From Tuesday to the 4th October I had to take vaginal progesterone suppositories. Yet another doctor inserts one egg, since of my EDS the stress of twins would tax my body they would only implant one egg. I walk out of there screaming and crying and cramping for 24 hours. 

Saturday morning the 4th of October I have my plastic cup, my pregnancy test and a positive attitude layed out on top of the dryer. Five minutes later the stick shows we are pregnant!!!!!!!! IT WORKED! WE WERE GOING TO BE PARENTS!!!!!!!!! The Monday after I called the clinic to let them know we have a confirmed pregnancy and they schedule me for the six week ultrasound on 31 October. How fitting I thought, we will get to see our little demon on Halloween. 

About two weeks go by and after having sex with my husband I start bleeding down my legs and leaving blood droplets on the floor to the bathroom. This was of course after the clinic hours so I call the emergancy number the clinic had given me. I cry and scream fearing that it is a miscarriage and I get met with "I can't do anything. You have to call the clinic tomorrow:" I frantically tell this stupid, tired of her job cunt I am sure it is a miscarriage, I have had miscarriages before and they have started like this. "I can't do anything, you have to call the clinic tomorrow".

As soon as the clinic opens I call them and here in Sweden you have to leave a message and they will call you back. I explained what happened and that I was having horrible pain radiating down my legs and the blood was brown/black and all of the former mentioned things. The doctor that implanted the egg calls me back and assures me that I just have a vaginal tear, without even checking and that I have an ultrasound scheduled for three weeks but they would send me to get my HcG levels checked just in case. Magnus rushes me to the hospital to get my blood drawn and the next two days were nerve wracking. I get a call Wednesday that my levels were where they should be and I have nothing to worry about. Ok, good, things are ok, we will just wait for the ultrasound were we get to see the little alien staring back at us.

October 31st we go in for the ultrasound, excited but anxious, but hopeful and gitty. We meet yet another doctor so we spend 20 minutes explaining about my EDS. I hope up on the table ready to see my baby. The babies have no heart beat, they died. She turned the monitor to us and said I need to have a second opinion. The first doctor walks in and the first doctor walks in. Magnus tells me" It is P.O. do you want me to tell him to fuck off?" I said I dont care get it over with. He confirms the babies are dead. Zombie like I get my clothes back on and the doctor wants to talk to us. I sit there not listening until she has the balls to ask when will we try again. "TRY AGAIN? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I HAVE DEAD BABIES IN ME AND YOU ASK ME WHEN WE ARE GOING TO TRY AGAIN!" She informs me that she is not just going to send me out into the world without knowing I understand what is happening. I scream at her," I UNDERSTAND WHAT HAPPENED, I TRIED TO WARN YOU I WAS MISCARRYING BUT YOU STUPID FUCKERS DIDNT LISTEN! YOU LET THEM DIE! FUCK YOU". I got my jacket and stormed out of there screaming to Magnus that he is to take me to the closest hamburger place possible to hurry the fuck up. She came running out saying that we need to make sure that you have miscarried everything so I have scheduled you an appointment for three weeks, the 21st of November.

By this time I had associated the IVF clinic with pain and saw it nothing more than a torture chamber with mad scientists doing horrible experiments on people like I was in a Nazi camp being treated by Dr. Mengele himself. The doctor I was going to see was 40 minutes late and Magnus and i had got there alittle early as well. I was hyperventilating and ready to pass out and the receptionist comes out and says "the doctor is running alittle behind". I grab Magnus's hand harder just so I wouldnt run out of there and take the train home. The doctor finally calls our names: I stand up and feel faint. I stumble my way to the doctors office. I sit hunched in the corner, scared out of my mind screaming "DONT HURT ME! DONT TOUCH ME! THIS PLACE IS A TORTURE CHAMBER! YOU ARE DR. MENGELE!"
Magnus explains that everytime I come here I leave screaming, crying, cramping and in pain. He says " I will be gentle I promise" As I am behind the screen to take off my clothes I am crying and come out cowaring like a post war victim. He is surprising gentle and this is the first time that any pictures of our dead babies are actually printed out. The next plan is to use Cyotec to help the miscarriage along. I am instructed how to do it and even though we told the told doctor we would take care of the ultrasound privately the mid-wife, five minutes after talking to the doctor, says I am scheduling you for an ultrasound this day. Magnus explodes and screams that "we have just talked to the doctor and we are having nothing more to do with you or this clinic. Look at my wife she is terrified being here!"
Saturday November 22 at 7 am I take the Cyotec. The mid-wife said that I would start to bleed within two hours; it took 12 hours to where it was running down my leg leading a trail to the toilet. I had horrible cramps, couldnt eat: my next six weeks were changing pads every 30 minutes to 2 hours, passing golf ball sized clumps and bleeding down my legs accompied with horrible cramps.
The bleeding slowed down a bit and then all of a sudden I feel a huge cramp, I feel a wet gushy thing inbetween my legs and the inside of my legs are wet and warm. I thought ok I am possibly having my first period. It went on another week until I called my personal Gynocologist and got an appointment. The doctor that had extracted the eggs had ripped a hole in my uterus and the scar tissue had grown over what was left and the extensive bleeding and clots was my body's way of trying to get rid of it which it couldnt. He said I was slowly dying because of the blood loss, the clots were caused by the build up of enough blood cells to try to make my body expell the rest of the sack and some of the lining and when it would slow down was when i was dangerously close to needing a blood transfusion.
He suggested that we do two doses of Cyotec for three days, two doses of estrogen for four days and two doses of progesterone for three days to get everything cleared out. He didnt want to do a DNC or to scrape out the remaining sack just yet but if my period didnt start after the 10 days that would be the only option. He doesnt want to cause any more scar tissue if it is not necessary.
The sad truth the IVF and the combination of my EDS, POTS, Sjögren's, etc and this being my seventh miscarriage that so complicated and almost killed me, my reproduction days are over. To become pregnant again WOULD kill me.
I haven't had the strength or the personal understanding to share this until now. I fight everyday that I have had to "miscarry" these children atleast three times if you look at it that I found out they were dead, then I had to evacuate twice. This is day 11 after my period has started and I am still passing black uteren tissue, and I am scared to death that I will have to have a DNC anyway.
I have been through hell and back for five months and the uncertainity of if it is over is driving me insane: it is draining me physically, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. During all of this I had a Shingles outbreak, a horrible cold, the flu, and walking pneumonia since my immune system was so compromised.
To my friends that have invited me to things and I have declined, this is why. I have been miscarrying for three months, I have been severely ill, and I am so severely depressed. The IVF was our last chance of having a biological child. I understand that you may not be able to understand how I am feeling, but I am constantly bombarded and reminded that I lost our children, I will not be able to conceive.
I am not ashamed to say that I am jealous of women that are in the same month of pregnancy as I would have been, Magnus has a co-worker at work that got pregnant almost the same time so he is reminded daily of what could have been. I am angry, sad, resentful, lonley, depressed, disappointed, hateful, and so very very jealous. I feel so bitter and defeated, and quilty.
But please give me time. I need to process this and deal with it, and unfortunately there is no time limit on how long that will take.

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BendyDivine
Carol Lundqvist
Artist | Student | Varied
Sweden
I am 36 years old.
I live in Steningehöjden, Stockholm.
I love to paint, draw, knit, and crochet.
I also like to read, listen to music, and gardening.
I am a LaVeyan.
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Thank you <3
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Thank you for the fav!
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Thanks for the fave! :D
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thanks for the watch! :w00t:
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